What I Really Meant To Say
by Animal13
Summary: that would be giving it away!


What I Really Meant to Say

Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I profit from any characters or story lines from Scarecrow and Mrs. King. A big thanks to my beta reader Ashley because this was my first story and she helped a lot.  The song "What I really meant to say" is by Cyndi Thomson and is found at the end in italics.

**What I Really Meant To Say**

** **

Prologue

About two weeks ago Amanda went into Billy's office to discuss the recent case she and Lee worked on. Lee told Billy that Amanda was having problems coping with the situation that took place.

"Hello Amanda, please come in," Billy said as he opened the door to his office.

"Thank you Sir" Amanda said as she closed the door behind her.

"Uh, Amanda, Lee tells me that you are having problems with what happened the other day. You know you can always talk to Dr. Phaff about it," he said.

"I know Sir it's just that I don't want to be put in that situation again," she said.

"I know Amanda, that's the hard part about this job," he was saying, but Amanda interrupted him.

"Sir, Lee was held captive and had a gun to his head" Amanda pointed out.

"I know and you did the right thing; you shot the bad guy and freed Lee," Billy added, but Amanda was determined to get her point across.

"I don't think I could do that again," she said.

Billy turned around and sat in his chair, "what are you saying Amanda?" 

"I'm resigning from the Agency," she stated and then handed him her resignation. 

"I wish you would reconsider this move Amanda," he pleaded.

"I'm sorry Sir, my mind's made up," she said and then left his office, turned in her badge and left the Agency. 

That night Amanda went over to Lee's apartment. Lee knew something was not right when he answered the door. 

"Hi," he said.

"Hello," she said and came into his apartment. She started to cry when Lee put his arm around her, so he moved her over to his couch.

"Amanda, what is it? Please tell me," he said.

"Lee, I can't go on pretending that we are not married when we are in public," she said, crying.

"Oh Amanda, we can change that! It was a stupid idea to have it kept a secret anyway," he said, holding her.

She sniffled."That's not the only reason I came over here. I need to tell you something," she said determined to tell him what she told Billy earlier. Lee's face went into concerned mode when he heard this. The next words that he heard tore his heart out of his chest."I'm leaving the Agency," Amanda had said.

"Amanda why? You like working there, you like your job, and not to mention your partner," he pleaded.

"There's something else, Lee." Amanda took his hands in hers,"I have to leave you." 

Lee just looked at her. Finally he spoke,"Why Amanda? Whatever it is we can work it out".

Amanda started to cry again because she saw that Lee had tears in his eyes."Lee, it's not you; it's never been you," she said. She took a deep breath."I couldn't bear to see you with a gun pointed at your head ever again. It's my fault that you were captured and I…I don't want to see you hurt because of me. I'm your weakness Lee. They all know it," she was finished and Lee was speechless. He could not believe what he just heard. 

"If it's our jobs Amanda, I'll ask Billy to transfer us to some desk jobs," he said, trying to reason with her.

"You never liked working behind a desk Lee. You are a good field agent and I just endanger you," she said. They were still holding hands and then Lee began to speak. 

"But I love you Amanda, you are my wife, we shared vows 'for better or worse', we…," he started to continue but Amanda stopped him.

"I love you too Lee but I don't want to see you get hurt because of me. I've been thinking a lot about this and I was offered a job working at the State Department," she stated.

"So, this is it? It took us 3 years to admit our feelings to each other and now after 1 year of marriage, you're ending this?" Lee couldn't continue; he was heart broken.

Amanda was too.

"I'm sorry Lee, I have to go," and with that she left.

What she didn't tell Billy or Lee was that Dr. Smythe knew about their secret marriage and threatened to do something to Lee's job if she didn't quit her job and her marriage.

A year later…

A year went by and Amanda King was working at the State Department. She was assigned to coordinate the Ambassador Dinner, where all US Embassy workers and ambassadors got together yearly and celebrated. This year it was being held at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. As she pulled up to the Kennedy Center, she remembered the times when Lee took her to see one of many performers here. But that was in the past and she was working for the State Department now.

'Why do I still think about him, Dr. Smythe told me to end it and that's what I did,' she thought.

But deep down she always knew she would still have feelings for him, after all they were married and had some great times together. After she broke up with him, she moved to a different house but still stayed in Arlington so her boys could stay at the same school. Amanda often wondered what Lee was doing at the Agency and found herself many times driving towards his apartment, but then realized that Dr. Smythe probably had her followed every time. 

As she checked with things inside, Lee Stetson drove up in his silver corvette. Billy was waiting for him outside. Lee saw him and walked over to where he was.

"Hi Billy, what's up?" Lee said.

"Scarecrow, um, I saw Amanda's car here, and she's inside," reported Billy. 

Lee looked at him with a blank face and remembered the day that she said she was leaving him and the Agency.

"Lee?" Billy called.

"I'm fine Billy, really", he replied. Lee laughed, " you know, it's been 1 year since she walked out of my life!" 

"I know Lee, if you don't want this detail, I understand," Billy said sympathetically. 

Lee just shook his head and started making his way into the ballroom. The festivities had already started when Lee entered the ballroom. He scanned the room and saw Amanda across the way. She was wearing a black dress.

'She really hasn't changed,' he thought. He looked down at his hand and noticed that he was wearing his wedding band. He turned it a couple of times and took it off. 'Thank God Billy didn't see it!' he thought and then went to go get a drink.

Amanda went outside into the foyer to get something when she saw Billy Melrose there. She didn't know the Agency was covering this. She walked over to him.

"Hello Amanda," he said.

"Hi Billy, how have you been?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm fine, we miss you at the Agency, how have you been?" he asked.

Amanda looked at him and said, "just fine, mother and the boys are doing well, too." 

She didn't want to ask about Lee, but she was curious. Billy told her that he was here at the party doing security detail for the Agency. Lee got his drink and went back into the ballroom and stopped. Amanda saw him at the bar and started walking over to him. When he stopped, she stopped. They were standing pretty close to one another.

"Hi," he said.

"Hello Lee," she said in a nervous tone. She wanted to hug him but she couldn't move.

He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her but he froze. "How have you been?" Lee asked, not wanting to say what he really wanted to say 'I miss you, come home with me.' 

Lee reached out to touch her arm, but Amanda did not pull back.

She just smiled and said," I'm just fine." She told him what had been going on, that she moved, and that the boys were good. 

He could tell she was lying just by her tone of voice. He was nervous and she was probably equally nervous. He thought to himself 'just tell her the way you have been feeling the past year' but he didn't listen and just stood there.

Amanda asked him how he was and he just replied with his suave attitude"I'm ok." Amanda really wanted to say 'I'm not ok, I miss you so much,' but she too ignored her feelings. 'I never thought it would be this hard when Dr. Smythe told me to leave him,' she thought.

Lee and Amanda just seemed to stand there as the activities were still going on for the Ambassador Dinner.

"I should really go," Lee said.

"Yeah, I should get back too," Amanda sighed and pointed to a spot inside.

Lee looked at her and hesitated in saying something that he would probably regret either way if he said it or not. "Take care Amanda," was the only thing he said as he walked away. 

Amanda saw him go and decided that it was now or never to resolve their separation. He turned the corner entering the foyer and she ran after him."Lee!" she exclaimed. He turned around and saw she had tears in her eyes."I have to tell you the real reason I left. Dr. Smythe threatened your job if I didn't leave the Agency and you. Somehow, he found out about our marriage. And I'm still in love with you," she said. 

He took her in his arms and said, "Oh Amanda I still love you too, and I'm going to kill 

Dr. Smythe!" They stood there in each other's arms for what seemed an eternity.

"I'm sorry I left you, I missed you everyday," Amanda said. 

Lee smiled, "I missed you too." He took his hands and cupped her face, wiped her tears away, and kissed her.

"Will you wait for me after this?" she asked. 

"I'll be waiting right here for you," he said and he released her from his embrace. She smiled back at him and then went back to the ballroom. 

Lee walked over to where Billy was standing. Billy just had a smile on his face.

"What?" Lee asked.

"So, how was everything?" Billy said.

Lee looked at him strangely and said, "you saw what happened?"

Billy nodded.

Lee then told Billy what Amanda told him about Dr. Smythe and how he forced her to leave the Agency and end our relationship and if she didn't that his job would be in jeopardy. 

"Don't worry Lee, let me take care of Dr. Smythe, you stay here and wait for Amanda," he said and congratulated Lee. "I told you everything would work out in the end," he added.

"Yes you did Billy, yes you did" Lee replied. 

After the Ambassador dinner was over, Lee was waiting for Amanda where he said he would be. After about 10 minutes, she finally came out and went over by him.

"Everything's okay," Lee said and then told her that Billy went to take care of Dr. Smythe. 

Amanda looked at him, and then looked at both of their hands. Something was missing.

Lee went in his pocket and took out his wedding ring. Amanda went in her purse and took out hers.

They put their rings on each other's finger.

"Everything is fine now," she said. 

They walked out together arm in arm and went over to her house to catch up and to re-start their life. As they were driving, Lee turned on the radio and a song was just starting to play.

_It took me by surprise when I saw you standing there,_

_Close enough to touch, breathing the same air._

_You asked me how I've been, I guess that when I smiled and said just fine._

_Oh, but baby I was lying._

_ _

_What I really meant to say is I'm dying here inside,_

_And I miss you more each day, not a night I haven't cried._

_And baby here's the truth, I'm still in love with you._

_That's what I really meant to say._

_ _

_And as you walked away, the echo of my words,_

_Cut just like a knife, cut so deep it hurts._

_I held back my tears, held onto my pride and I watched you go._

_I wonder if you'll ever know._

_ _

_What I really meant to say is I'm dying here inside,_

_And I miss you more each day, not a night I haven't cried._

_And baby here's the truth, I'm still in love with you._

_That's what I really meant to say._

_ _

_What I really meant to say is I'm not that really strong,_

_No matter how I try, I'm still holding on._

_And here's the honest truth, I'm still in love with you._

_That's what I really meant to say._

_ _

_That's what I really meant to say._

_ _

_That's what I really meant to say._

_ _

When the song was over, they both looked at each other and held hands until they got to her house.

The End 


End file.
